Can't Read My Poker Face

So I was finally able to let out all this emotion that has been building since day 1 of this semester (this is a fancy way of saying I cried today).  Who knew that Zaxby's was so conducive to meaningful, heart-felt conversation?  I had the realization that I don't like several parts of who I've become .  There are things present in my attitude and outlook that I don't feel were there, say, 1 year ago.  My spiritual life is at such a low right now.  I couldn't tell you the last time I opened my Bible, or took more than say 4 minutes to pray.  I'm afraid to talk about spiritual issues with people at school, because I have an arresting fear of becoming "that person."  You know the person I'm talking about,  the one that always tells you God has everything in control and everything is going to be alright, and who then instantly becomes someone you feel (or at least I then feel) has no real grasp of what life is really like.  I do it all of the time, pass judgement on those people who very well may be completely genuine in their faith and words.  I deem them fake and insincere.  It is a dangerous habit, to judge the heart of a person. I am addicted to it. When I sit in Church, and when I go to Chapel,  I see people raise their hands and all I do is judge.  I don't believe they are genuine in what they do.  Where does that come from?  In my heart what I am longing to do is the exact same thing, maybe not in the form of raising my hands, but worship Him freely.  I am searching for a way to counteract my thoughts and lows right now, and have yet to come up with anything, or least a way to begin the process.

Recently played:

So Sublime - Beth Rowley

It's Not Impossible - Ben Sollee

Kylie from Connecticut - Ben Folds

Broken Strings - James Morrison

Womanizer - Britney

xanadu - now that you're here, now that you're near

Summer has slipped through my fingers.  Living at home has been wonderful, not without its ups and downs, but overall I couldn't ask for more.  I am so ready to finish school, I just hope I can do it in one more year.  The future is not looking too bright in that area.  I slacked off so bad during my sophomore year, and now I'm paying for it.  I know this is not a unique feeling, but I can't imagine what life after college will look like yet.  I have no idea where I want to end up yet.  My best friends live in Denver, one is married and the other will be by the time I graduate.  I want to travel too, but money is the deciding factor.  Maybe i'll be able to save a bit this year.  

I am addicted to the NBC television show 30 Rock.  I have to thank Anthony for sending me the episode that includes a bit part by Kristen Wiig.  The writing on the show is absolutely phenomenal, and the cast is brilliant.  I was really not wanting to even watch this show for a while, but am so glad I did now.  Arrested Development still holds the position as my favorite television show of all time.  

its a simple fact

So I have three weeks left at home before I move back to Arkansas.  I am excited and sad at the same time.  Life is moving so fast these days, I'm clamoring to keep up.  

Went to the Feist show last friday night.  I don't mean for this to sound over-dramatic or cliche but music is sometimes an emotional experience for me.  I felt such a peace at the Feist show that I wish I could relive that night over and over again.  She is absolutely amazing.  I went with one of my best friends, and could not have asked for a better night.  

can't sleep

I'm horrible at blogging.  I deleted all of my previous posts in a dramatic attempt at somehow making this new again.  

I realized last week that i have some wonderful friends.  I got to spend three wonderful days in chicago with 3 of them and it made me look forward to being back in siloam so much.  

I thought about amy winehouse dying today...I think its gonna happen any day now...although I wouldn't mind another album from her.  i read somewhere that she and mark ronson were going to make a holiday album, maybe just a rumor.

went to the jazz club with momma t tonight. martinis and chocolate cake...haha. classy.  she is hopefully going to drive down with me to school and help me move in to the place.  

I watched a brutally sad movie today called "4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days."  Some images from films stick with me and there were several in this that are seared into my brain right now.  powerful stuff.  It was about a girl having an abortion in 1980's communist russia.  Insane.